Feeling very lonely, battered, and ill-defined. Too much direction and but not enough meaning. Can I become who and what I want without a better idea of who I am?
Side note: A follow-up to the pain and suffering post from February. Fuck yes, sue if that's what it takes. Get what is needed. Get what is deserved. I'm not bitter over my experience...just experienced.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
The Blob
I seriously cannot take much more of this sedentary life.
On one hand, I have a solid fear of not healing properly and needing additional surgery. Last night I woke up convinced that I'd heard or felt something crack in my collarbone. It took me until I got up this morning to feel reassured that it was just a dream, and that it's OK....probably.
On the other hand, I'm watching my weight go up, the few muscles I have are decaying, and my clothes don't fit right anymore. Plus my digestion and sleep are out of whack too, and I know all of this relates to lack of activity.
I see the doc Monday. I assume there will be new x-rays, and I sure hope they are better than the last set. Hopefully the stitches will come out, the big bandage will come off, and I'll be in better shape to start doing things like walking the neighborhood or using the stationary bike.
Much more of this sitting around, and I'm afraid my butt cheeks are gonna fuse into one mass that's permanently bonded to this damn chair. It's time to get moving again.
On one hand, I have a solid fear of not healing properly and needing additional surgery. Last night I woke up convinced that I'd heard or felt something crack in my collarbone. It took me until I got up this morning to feel reassured that it was just a dream, and that it's OK....probably.
On the other hand, I'm watching my weight go up, the few muscles I have are decaying, and my clothes don't fit right anymore. Plus my digestion and sleep are out of whack too, and I know all of this relates to lack of activity.
I see the doc Monday. I assume there will be new x-rays, and I sure hope they are better than the last set. Hopefully the stitches will come out, the big bandage will come off, and I'll be in better shape to start doing things like walking the neighborhood or using the stationary bike.
Much more of this sitting around, and I'm afraid my butt cheeks are gonna fuse into one mass that's permanently bonded to this damn chair. It's time to get moving again.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Pain & Suffering: Would Captain Kirk Sue?
(These are the voyages of the lawsuit Enterprise...)
I was involved in an accident on 1/14/2011 that left me with 5 broken ribs, a broken collarbone, and a bunch of scrapes and bruises. Even now, I have a hard time writing that I was the victim in the accident, even though the other guy caused it. I was riding my bike, and a driver made a sudden, unsafe, and illegal turn across the bike lane immediately in front of me. I impacted the side of his truck and was thrown over the hood and into the street. His choice, and his action, triggered the accident.
But I don't like to think of myself as a victim - it's just not my nature. Maybe I'm too stubborn. Maybe I watched too much of John Wayne and Captain Kirk when I was growing up. It's hard to imagine The Duke hiring a lawyer to settle his problems, or envision Kirk launching a civil suit against the Klingons for damaging his ship. So why should I sit back, call myself the injured party, and hire a mouthpiece to settle the score for me? I mean, yeah, I was pretty badly injured, and as I write this 5 weeks later, I'm recovering from surgery to try to correct problems with the collarbone.But I'm focused on healing, and that means regaining my identity as an active, forward-looking person, which my instincts tell me stands in direct contrast with defining myself as a victim, as damaged.
And therein lies the problem with pain and suffering in the legal sense. I've always felt like people who seek damages for pain and suffering are usually out for a quick payday, and often exaggerate the nature of their problems. But maybe that's also a conditioned response that I have to movie portrayals or a small percentage of sensationalized cases in the media or in the advertising of unscrupulous ambulance chasers. So what is the nature of my pain and suffering, and how does one seek restitution for these things?
There are the obvious damages; lost wages, medical and legal expenses, the damaged bike, etc. There are other subtle expenses that come from the lifestyle modification one undergoes during rehab; buying clothes that are compatible with wearing a sling 24/7, renting a reclining chair to sleep in since I haven't been able to use my bed since the accident, and so on. But suffering? That's a bit more elusive.
Initially, I rejected the concept entirely. But I hit a low point a few nights after the accident and it made me reconsider. It was in the darkest hours of the night - 2 or 3a.m. - and, unable to sleep much due to the physical pain, I woke up in a dark room, stuck in the chair that would be my home for much of the next 2 months, and felt very alone. I though of people I'd loved who in other times would have been there to help, but this time I was on my own, and the weight of that fell hard on me. I broke down and cried, but with 5 broken ribs, crying is a damn painful thing to do, so I tried to sob more softly. As soon as I realized the adjustment I was making, I couldn't but laugh at the absurdity of it. I wanted to cry over the very situation that made it hard to cry. It was an almost comically fucked-up situation...but can you be compensated for that?
Since then there have been other scenarios that hit me in similar ways. A few days before the accident I'd had a seemingly great first date. She and I talked and laughed easily and I looked forward to seeing here again that Sunday, but on Friday afternoon a truck redirected my plans. She seemed a good sport when i told her what happened, and we agreed to get together again as soon as I was able, but after just one date it's hard to expect someone you barely know to put their life on hold and wait for you. She didn't, and met someone else. Amazingly, the same thing happened a month later. I'd had an even better first date, despite the fact that I was in a sling and still fighting through the pain of the healing ribs. But a few days later I found out the collarbone wasn't healing right and would need immediate surgery. Again, she was supportive and we talked about getting together as soon as possible as I healed, but again, she met someone else. The chain of events leading back to the accident had cost me opportunities for two different relationships. It's easy to philosophize that if either had been the right person for me they'd have waited, but had it not been for the accident that would never have been an issue. Instead, I am left to wonder what could have been. Either might have ended after 3 dates, or either one might have become a life-changing relationship, but I was denied the chance to find out.
I was also denied the chance to know how my training might have paid off. At the time of the crash, I was on a training ride for the Counting Coup mountain bike event, which I've ridden for the past couple years. I had a good base of mileage and climbing, and was about to start some speed work to try to make better time on the event's long climbs. I've invented a tremendous amount of time, effort, and money into this event over the past few years and was really looking forward to a big improvement this year. Instead, I've had to sell my elusive and coveted event registration, and now just hope to be able to volunteer and cheer on my friends who will be riding. With a return to school coming, this was probably my last chance at the event for the next couple of years. Now I'll never know.
Some of this may seem trivial, yet these are each significant elements in my life, and they reflect and influence my sense of self. So now I sit, contemplating these twists and turns, considering the way I live my life and the person that I am and will be in the future. My home is re-arranged to make things easier to manage, and is far less clean and organized than normal. It's been 5 weeks since I felt like I presented the "normal" me to anyone, and it will be at least that many more again until I am not a damaged person in the eyes of others. I don't know yet how long it will be until I can get through a day without feeling impaired or frail.
I guess I could be in a pretty dark place, but I'm not. It's a difficult place, with different challenges and feelings every day, and there are dark moments, but most of the time it's not a dark place. I think the differences have to do with the facts that I see most of this as a process to go through, that there's a solution to be worked out, and that I've had support from friends & family. But still, there are days and nights that just plain suck, and those have had me thinking these concepts of pain and suffering.
I know that a lot of this is nothing compared to what many people go through. But it wasn't my fault, and I am going through my share. If that makes me a victim, then I guess that's a component to my personality and identity that I'll have to adjust to. And our system does allow for some forms of restitution, and I've begun that process. Even using the phrase "my lawyer" sounds utterly foreign to me, but I've retained one to help me through this. It will be interesting to see how it all works out.
I just hope the Klingons are well-insured.
I was involved in an accident on 1/14/2011 that left me with 5 broken ribs, a broken collarbone, and a bunch of scrapes and bruises. Even now, I have a hard time writing that I was the victim in the accident, even though the other guy caused it. I was riding my bike, and a driver made a sudden, unsafe, and illegal turn across the bike lane immediately in front of me. I impacted the side of his truck and was thrown over the hood and into the street. His choice, and his action, triggered the accident.
But I don't like to think of myself as a victim - it's just not my nature. Maybe I'm too stubborn. Maybe I watched too much of John Wayne and Captain Kirk when I was growing up. It's hard to imagine The Duke hiring a lawyer to settle his problems, or envision Kirk launching a civil suit against the Klingons for damaging his ship. So why should I sit back, call myself the injured party, and hire a mouthpiece to settle the score for me? I mean, yeah, I was pretty badly injured, and as I write this 5 weeks later, I'm recovering from surgery to try to correct problems with the collarbone.But I'm focused on healing, and that means regaining my identity as an active, forward-looking person, which my instincts tell me stands in direct contrast with defining myself as a victim, as damaged.
And therein lies the problem with pain and suffering in the legal sense. I've always felt like people who seek damages for pain and suffering are usually out for a quick payday, and often exaggerate the nature of their problems. But maybe that's also a conditioned response that I have to movie portrayals or a small percentage of sensationalized cases in the media or in the advertising of unscrupulous ambulance chasers. So what is the nature of my pain and suffering, and how does one seek restitution for these things?
There are the obvious damages; lost wages, medical and legal expenses, the damaged bike, etc. There are other subtle expenses that come from the lifestyle modification one undergoes during rehab; buying clothes that are compatible with wearing a sling 24/7, renting a reclining chair to sleep in since I haven't been able to use my bed since the accident, and so on. But suffering? That's a bit more elusive.
Initially, I rejected the concept entirely. But I hit a low point a few nights after the accident and it made me reconsider. It was in the darkest hours of the night - 2 or 3a.m. - and, unable to sleep much due to the physical pain, I woke up in a dark room, stuck in the chair that would be my home for much of the next 2 months, and felt very alone. I though of people I'd loved who in other times would have been there to help, but this time I was on my own, and the weight of that fell hard on me. I broke down and cried, but with 5 broken ribs, crying is a damn painful thing to do, so I tried to sob more softly. As soon as I realized the adjustment I was making, I couldn't but laugh at the absurdity of it. I wanted to cry over the very situation that made it hard to cry. It was an almost comically fucked-up situation...but can you be compensated for that?
Since then there have been other scenarios that hit me in similar ways. A few days before the accident I'd had a seemingly great first date. She and I talked and laughed easily and I looked forward to seeing here again that Sunday, but on Friday afternoon a truck redirected my plans. She seemed a good sport when i told her what happened, and we agreed to get together again as soon as I was able, but after just one date it's hard to expect someone you barely know to put their life on hold and wait for you. She didn't, and met someone else. Amazingly, the same thing happened a month later. I'd had an even better first date, despite the fact that I was in a sling and still fighting through the pain of the healing ribs. But a few days later I found out the collarbone wasn't healing right and would need immediate surgery. Again, she was supportive and we talked about getting together as soon as possible as I healed, but again, she met someone else. The chain of events leading back to the accident had cost me opportunities for two different relationships. It's easy to philosophize that if either had been the right person for me they'd have waited, but had it not been for the accident that would never have been an issue. Instead, I am left to wonder what could have been. Either might have ended after 3 dates, or either one might have become a life-changing relationship, but I was denied the chance to find out.
I was also denied the chance to know how my training might have paid off. At the time of the crash, I was on a training ride for the Counting Coup mountain bike event, which I've ridden for the past couple years. I had a good base of mileage and climbing, and was about to start some speed work to try to make better time on the event's long climbs. I've invented a tremendous amount of time, effort, and money into this event over the past few years and was really looking forward to a big improvement this year. Instead, I've had to sell my elusive and coveted event registration, and now just hope to be able to volunteer and cheer on my friends who will be riding. With a return to school coming, this was probably my last chance at the event for the next couple of years. Now I'll never know.
Some of this may seem trivial, yet these are each significant elements in my life, and they reflect and influence my sense of self. So now I sit, contemplating these twists and turns, considering the way I live my life and the person that I am and will be in the future. My home is re-arranged to make things easier to manage, and is far less clean and organized than normal. It's been 5 weeks since I felt like I presented the "normal" me to anyone, and it will be at least that many more again until I am not a damaged person in the eyes of others. I don't know yet how long it will be until I can get through a day without feeling impaired or frail.
I guess I could be in a pretty dark place, but I'm not. It's a difficult place, with different challenges and feelings every day, and there are dark moments, but most of the time it's not a dark place. I think the differences have to do with the facts that I see most of this as a process to go through, that there's a solution to be worked out, and that I've had support from friends & family. But still, there are days and nights that just plain suck, and those have had me thinking these concepts of pain and suffering.
I know that a lot of this is nothing compared to what many people go through. But it wasn't my fault, and I am going through my share. If that makes me a victim, then I guess that's a component to my personality and identity that I'll have to adjust to. And our system does allow for some forms of restitution, and I've begun that process. Even using the phrase "my lawyer" sounds utterly foreign to me, but I've retained one to help me through this. It will be interesting to see how it all works out.
I just hope the Klingons are well-insured.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
What Christmas Should Be
The gifts, the festivity, the chaos, the stress....all that fell aside in a moment this past Christmas Day. I looked around the room at the family members who were there, laughing, smiling, and enjoying the day with those they care about. In the past few years, three had battled cancer, one had lost a grown son, one had lost an unborn baby, two had been diagnosed with serious ongoing medical conditions, and others had worked through various other struggles. I've dealt with my own divorce, a very turbulent relationship that followed, and lived with the threat of unemployment for much of the past few years.
I won't say that those things didn't matter that day; of course they did - they are factors that contributed to the people we all are today. But on this day, at that time, those challenges helped us all to appreciate how special it was to get everyone together. We celebrated the day and each other, we laughed, we hugged, and we said "I love you."
I think this was the best Christmas I've ever had.
I won't say that those things didn't matter that day; of course they did - they are factors that contributed to the people we all are today. But on this day, at that time, those challenges helped us all to appreciate how special it was to get everyone together. We celebrated the day and each other, we laughed, we hugged, and we said "I love you."
I think this was the best Christmas I've ever had.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Simple Joys
You have to savor the simple joys in life. If we wait around for the big ones, we'll miss out on a lot of great living to be done, and besides, they're called "once in a lifetime moments" for a reason.
Today's example happened as I was out for an early road ride. It was a crisp late-autumn morning, with moisture still heavy in the air and the ground damp and puddled from last night's rain. Most people were content to grab a warm coffee and get about their day, but I'd opted to get up early for a ride. It was one of those rides that started as a struggle - air cold, fingertips numb, legs feeling dead, and general fatigue dictating a moderate pace, especially during the first few miles which were a slight climb.
5 or 6 miles into the ride, as my body was finally waking and warming, I hit a mild downhill - the kind that's not steep enough to coast, but enough to make you feel like a hero as you spin the pedals effortlessly and are rewarded with easy speed. That woke my mind and elevated my mood enough for me to start grooving on how cool it was to be able to be out there doing what I was doing. I was an urban adventurer, a trash truck toreador, a healthy person with a touch of the daredevil.
As I crossed the 405 freeway and skirted the edge of the wilderness area I saw a long line of commuters staring at the red brake lights ahead of them. I felt a mix of pity for them and jubilation for myself as I easily outpaced the cars' minimal forward progress. With renewed vigor my pace picked up again, enough that I made it back to my neighborhood ahead of schedule, allowing me to log a couple bonus miles and still have time for a leisurely shower and breakfast.
How many others were doing something on this cold, damp morning that gave them as much satisfaction? I hope there were a lot, but in reality I know there were relatively few. While I wish them all the pleasure I felt, I'll admit to that particular satisfaction that comes with knowing that I made the effort to seize the moment and was rewarded well.
It's been a good day.
Today's example happened as I was out for an early road ride. It was a crisp late-autumn morning, with moisture still heavy in the air and the ground damp and puddled from last night's rain. Most people were content to grab a warm coffee and get about their day, but I'd opted to get up early for a ride. It was one of those rides that started as a struggle - air cold, fingertips numb, legs feeling dead, and general fatigue dictating a moderate pace, especially during the first few miles which were a slight climb.
5 or 6 miles into the ride, as my body was finally waking and warming, I hit a mild downhill - the kind that's not steep enough to coast, but enough to make you feel like a hero as you spin the pedals effortlessly and are rewarded with easy speed. That woke my mind and elevated my mood enough for me to start grooving on how cool it was to be able to be out there doing what I was doing. I was an urban adventurer, a trash truck toreador, a healthy person with a touch of the daredevil.
As I crossed the 405 freeway and skirted the edge of the wilderness area I saw a long line of commuters staring at the red brake lights ahead of them. I felt a mix of pity for them and jubilation for myself as I easily outpaced the cars' minimal forward progress. With renewed vigor my pace picked up again, enough that I made it back to my neighborhood ahead of schedule, allowing me to log a couple bonus miles and still have time for a leisurely shower and breakfast.
How many others were doing something on this cold, damp morning that gave them as much satisfaction? I hope there were a lot, but in reality I know there were relatively few. While I wish them all the pleasure I felt, I'll admit to that particular satisfaction that comes with knowing that I made the effort to seize the moment and was rewarded well.
It's been a good day.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The Big Questions...
Will I?
Can I?
What can I do with my need to give when I also need so much?
How should I proceed when I am tired of the method but remain optimistic about the outcome?
How much difference do the differences make?
Will this be one of the great "what if" episodes of my life, or just another bend in the road?
Can I?
What can I do with my need to give when I also need so much?
How should I proceed when I am tired of the method but remain optimistic about the outcome?
How much difference do the differences make?
Will this be one of the great "what if" episodes of my life, or just another bend in the road?
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