Generation Ex

In the good old days, when you broke up with someone that was it. You went your separate ways and didn't have much contact afterward. Maybe if you lived in a small village you saw each other, but otherwise distance and anonymity came easily. But now through the miracles of FaceBook, LinkedIn, and hundreds of other services and databases, it's pretty hard to disappear. In fact, the village may have become smaller, since mutual friends mean shared conversations, whether or not ex's are in the same room or the same country. So what is the meaning and value of "ex" status these days?

In the past, we got away from that person, maybe retreating to the secure circle of our closest friends and family. In that safe space we could recover from our emotional wounds, rediscover who we were, redefine what we value most in our lives and in relationships. There is significant value in that process. But now it is harder to sever those links to an ex and to move on as an individual. We still feel a connection to our past and perhaps are influenced by that person whom we have decided should no longer be a part of our daily lives. Not only does it make it harder to move on, but one could argue that in some sense we never fully break up! The dependency becomes virtual, the dysfunction is digital, and the affection is expressed through a different medium, but it's all still right there if we want it.

This is not a condemnation of relationships, of Facebook, or of the online world (blogging would be an absurd medium for that!). But we need to ask ourselves hard questions about where an ex fits into the present and the future. We need to examine the effect that they have on us and us on them. We need to try to imagine the difference if they were truly out of our lives, and the best-case goal if we choose to remain in contact. Such an ongoing connection could be a very good thing. We may come to understand others more completely with the perspective that is gained outside of the past relationship. We may appreciate things we took for granted, or find we can critique values and behaviors in ways we couldn't when we shared the moment. There's no right answer: In some cases it might be healthier to truly cut those ties and log off of each other's lives, while in others a healthy friendship or at least a mutual respect might endure. But it should be a intentional choice, made with consideration for each other and with an understanding of the implications of either option. It shouldn't just be a digital default.

Fantastically Ridiculous

Tonight, after knowing each other for several years, I had a first date with the woman I'm going to marry. She may not know it yet, and there's the slight complication of the guy that she hasn't quite broken up with yet, but she's on her way and so are we.
The courtship has begun.