What Christmas Should Be

The gifts, the festivity, the chaos, the stress....all that fell aside in a moment this past Christmas Day. I looked around the room at the family members who were there, laughing, smiling, and enjoying the day with those they care about. In the past few years, three had battled cancer, one had lost a grown son, one had lost an unborn baby, two had been diagnosed with serious ongoing medical conditions, and others had worked through various other struggles. I've dealt with my own divorce, a very turbulent relationship that followed, and lived with the threat of unemployment for much of the past few years.

I won't say that those things didn't matter that day; of course they did - they are factors that contributed to the people we all are today. But on this day, at that time, those challenges helped us all to appreciate how special it was to get everyone together. We celebrated the day and each other, we laughed, we hugged, and we said "I love you."

I think this was the best Christmas I've ever had.

Cooking for One

Dutch ovens aren't nearly as much fun when you're alone.

Simple Joys

You have to savor the simple joys in life. If we wait around for the big ones, we'll miss out on a lot of great living to be done, and besides, they're called "once in a lifetime moments" for a reason.

Today's example happened as I was out for an early road ride. It was a crisp late-autumn morning, with moisture still heavy in the air and the ground damp and puddled from last night's rain. Most people were content to grab a warm coffee and get about their day, but I'd opted to get up early for a ride. It was one of those rides that started as a struggle - air cold, fingertips numb, legs feeling dead, and general fatigue dictating a moderate pace, especially during the first few miles which were a slight climb.

5 or 6 miles into the ride, as my body was finally waking and warming, I hit a mild downhill - the kind that's not steep enough to coast, but enough to make you feel like a hero as you spin the pedals effortlessly and are rewarded with easy speed. That woke my mind and elevated my mood enough for me to start grooving on how cool it was to be able to be out there doing what I was doing. I was an urban adventurer, a trash truck toreador, a healthy person with a touch of the daredevil.

As I crossed the 405 freeway and skirted the edge of the wilderness area I saw a long line of commuters staring at the red brake lights ahead of them. I felt a mix of pity for them and jubilation for myself as I easily outpaced the cars' minimal forward progress. With renewed vigor my pace picked up again, enough that I made it back to my neighborhood ahead of schedule, allowing me to log a couple bonus miles and still have time for a leisurely shower and breakfast.

How many others were doing something on this cold, damp morning that gave them as much satisfaction? I hope there were a lot, but in reality I know there were relatively few. While I wish them all the pleasure I felt, I'll admit to that particular satisfaction that comes with knowing that I made the effort to seize the moment and was rewarded well.

It's been a good day.

The Big Questions...

Will I?

Can I?

What can I do with my need to give when I also need so much?

How should I proceed when I am tired of the method but remain optimistic about the outcome?

How much difference do the differences make?

Will this be one of the great "what if" episodes of my life, or just another bend in the road?

How is she doing it?

How can it be that she is breaking my heart without doing a thing?
Or is it precisely because she's not doing a thing?

Soy Un Perdedor

Talk about wasted opportunities....

In the past few days, I failed to tell someone a truth that needed to be told.
I failed to seek help from someone in a position to make a big difference.
And I failed to ask someone an important question that could change tomorrow and a lot more.

I have been very weak these past few days.

The Weight Loss Challenge

Yesterday I joined a bunch of other nutjobs to do a 50+ mile mountain bike ride for Project Rwanda. It was an awesome event, and a fun but grueling course. After doing the Counting Coup a few weeks ago, which is 45 miles and 8k feet of climbing, I was pretty casual about Rwanda's mere 50 miles and just under a little over 5K feet of climbing. Nope! The route featured many, many short but challenging climbs, plus miles of chattery, rocky trail, all of which really took a toll on my body and mind. Thank goodness for the great support and enthusiasm at this event; I fed off that energy all day.

This morning I saw that friends have posted pics from the event in a few places, and my first reaction was "Holy sh*t I look fat!" It was truly depressing. A few years ago, a photo with some friends had provoked the same reaction, and I did lose weight and took on a healthier lifestyle. But I'm definitely not in my 20's anymore, and simply being very active apparently doesn't make up for eating like a 14-year-old who's parents are out of town. I ride my bike between 1500-2000 miles per year, with most of that being off-road and with lots of climbing. I burn a lot of calories. Yet after losing about 18 lbs in my first couple of years of riding, I've now leveled off at 200lbs and can't seem to drop the next 15 or so that would put me at my preferred weight. I'm starting to build a road bike and hope to add a couple morning rides per week on that, and I'd really like to surf and/or hit the gym a little more, but with work and grad school looming, I don't know how much all of that will happen. Which leaves me one thing: Diet.

I don't cook, which is definitely a problem. Despite that, I've made some progress lately, trying bits and pieces of some new things (whodathunk I'd like California rolls or a spinach salad?) But still, the cravings for Diet Pepsi and baked goods are very strong, and chocolate has always been my ultimate weakness.

Can I do it? Can I alter a life of poor eating habits?
Of course I can.

Will I do it?
That remains to be seen.

Smitten.
And giddy.
It feels wonderful.

The Ups and Downs of Keeping it Flat

Less than 3 weeks to go now until this year's Counting Coup, that sadomasochistic mountain bike event covering 44+ miles and 8,000+ feet of climbing through the Santa Ana mountains. In retrospect, I now know that last year I had trained enough to finish, but not more. My time of 8 hours and 9 minutes, while hampered by a broken shifter, was 30-40 minutes slower than I'd hoped to achieve. This year, while not exactly methodical about training, I was laying down a solid base of mileage between September and December. On my birthday, Kevin and I rode from my home to Santiago Peak, which totaled just under 59 miles and 6,200 feet of elevation. In December, I took shorter routes to the peak but did it on two consecutive weekends, with shorter rides in between. On a ride of the Blackstar-Motorway loop, I was as fresh throughout as I've ever been, and was even learning to enjoy that loose, chunky, exposed, rutted singletrack descent. I felt great and couldn't wait for the event.

Then came January. 9 days of illness, followed by 3 weeks of rains.

Then came February, and my old knee pain was back, along with more rain, again limiting my time on the bike.

And tomorrow it will be March. With the Coup on the 20th, I only have 2 weeks left for any training and course familiarization, and I haven't been up Maple Springs in 2+ months. Even worse, I haven't been down Upper and Lower Holy Jim since last year's event! My knee is problematic, so I'm gobbling Advil and Osteo Bi-Flex and icing it when I can. But I've still been forced to limit my rides. Friday it was a 18 mile ride through Peter's Canyon and the surrounding streets, getting a few mild hill climbs in. Today it was 32 miles around the Back Bay of Newport and back. Two rides in three days, totaling 50 miles and around a little under 2000 feet climbed. Not exactly what I had in mind, but I'll make do with what I can do.

I guess this year I'll have to depend on that early-season base, a little experience, and a lot of luck.

Ugh

I had such high hopes for today, but woke up feeling achey, a bit feverish, and sick to my stomach. I'd wanted to surf, then do a quick ride up Blackstar, then come back to get things done at home. I still got a few things done - a little more organizing in the garage, one errand, and ordered a new wheelset to replace my cracked rim, spending WAY too much money that I don't have. It's really time to get serious about taking whatever actions are necessary to reduce my debt.

So now the day is gone, I'm a little more broke, still feel sick and a bit lonely, and it's back to work tomorrow (maybe). So far, 2010 is not off to the start I'd hoped for.